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I'm really not political. I mean like I run away from debates like the plague. I am more neutral than Switzerland. If you see a political post on my Facebook then it is my code for come and find me I have been abducted and need help. That being said, I have to react to the recent unpleasantness at the borders. I MUST. Families are essential.


I think I have mentioned my mission trip to Uganda before but in January of this year I went on this life changing adventure. The middle of their summer in the dry season I was in Kaberamaido. We have this amazing “carepoint” where we meet the needs of children who are, usually, orphaned by the loss of one or both parents. They must receive school fees and food and most of all love. On my trip, I received all the love and joy I could handle. So why do I bring this up in a blog post about uniting families?


While I was there, I experienced the true meaning of family. I believed foolishly that I was going there to give. I never felt the need to be a savior, I have a Savior already and so do they. I did feel like I would be a teacher to some young people and some mothers. I thought as a Postpartum doula I would impart great knowledge about bonding and attachment. The mothers of Uganda have all the knowledge they need. The people I met there, like Florence and like Monica, (the names they asked me to use) were mothers to everyone. They are my age probably or a bit older, but so much wiser. These women humble me as I see them easily caring for the other mothers and children around them. Men are quite scarce in that community. Either they were murdered by guerrillas, dead from disease or with another family because they make the rounds. There is also rampant alcoholism. But none of that changes the way I saw family shown to me. Aunts raising nieces, grandmothers nursing grandchildren, sisters looking after each other's children and older siblings (I'm talking 8 or 9 years old) with infants strapped to their backs going about their day. They were all looking out for each other. I realize I only saw a snap shot and that often we put on our best for visitors but I am certain that children are valued there and families are together fighting for a better life.


I look at this and I compare it to our lives here and I feel like we really are missing something. I know I have talked before about community I also want to talk about attachment. The babies I saw did not often cry. These babies had their need for touch met by being carried everywhere by many relatives and friends. They were fed on demand by the breast of the closest lactating mother. The children, as they grew were given freedom that was developmentally appropriate. It was intuitive and completely safe because everyone was looking out for everyone else. Now clearly, as I have already stated, it is not all roses and there are needs in Uganda. But here is the key, in the poverty and the diseases that permeate the country, the people are looking out for those in need. If a family member is homeless or without food, the extended family believes it is shameful to not care for their own.


Here from my soapbox, my words are clear. Do you want to change the way our country is going? Work on making better people. You don't think cuddling your baby can have any way of making a better future? You would be so very wrong! This is THE way!!!


Bonding changes brain chemistry. Brain chemistry effects the way we see things. The way we see things can create a paradigm shift. We can bring this care for each other into our way of thinking. We can love our way into creating a new way. Keep families together. Feel the weight of your own power as a mother. You can change things, but not in resistance and war or laws and divisions. You change the world by rocking a baby, holding her close to your heart and making sure she feels loved! This baby will then grow, maybe she will be a policy maker, maybe she will see the way she developed well emotionally and help others learn to help their babies. Maybe she will hold her baby and help her to grow into a adult with a healthy emotional life which also betters the lives of others. Can't you see how important you are? If you want to change the world start with the children who think you are the world and think the world of you.


PS I am reading a fascinating book about brain chemistry. This is not a plug, I get no gain from sharing this. I just want to share this resource with you. Oh, and I just thought of another I would recommend if you are interested in how you can effect the brain chemistry of your child for good...
Anatomy of the Soul:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/anatomy-of-the-soul-curt-thompson/1102466162?ean=9781414334158#/

The Whole Brained Child
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/whole-brain-child-daniel-j-siegel/1101002909?ean=9780553386691#/

​Enjoy! 

What an amazing thing it is to give birth! It is probably the hardest thing you will do, ever! Filled with emotion and strength, it is truly glorious. God is bringing His plan for a new life into the world through you, isn't that incredible. It also feels weighty. It is relatively easy to care for your baby when he or she is inside. But how do you make the transition from pregnancy to mothering? Can you prepare for this at all?


What will life be like after you bring home this new person? What can you expect and what will be expected of you? You probably are pretty skewed one way or another. You might have the picture of a fabric softener commercial, everything is in soft focus, you place your freshly bathed infant in a huge fluffy towel as they coo at you and give you a first toothless grin. You are diapering and dressing them with confidence. Yes, you will have those days. Possibly you are fearfully thinking of another scenario, a colicky baby like the one your sister or friend brought home who cannot stop crying, will not sleep and projectile vomits. Yes, there will be those days too. But like everything in life, it is a mix of both. If someone tells you it is all one way or another, they want you to admire them, either for soldiering through or for being a perfect parent. Neither will be your full time experience.


So back to the question, what can you do to prepare for the new adventure of a child?


I think the first tactic is to create a nurturing environment. As you build a nursery room or nook in your bedroom, make it an inviting place that you can relax in. Create a nursing space in your living area with good books, a charging station, a soft light and a place for a cold glass of water. The more relaxed you can be, the more relaxed the baby will be. The baby is created to receive cues from you! They can sense the stress hormones or they can sense the oxytocin (a relaxing hormone) created by bonding, milk production and breastfeeding. You can do a lot to help make the baby content and it starts with creating an inviting environment for you, which brings dividends for you, too.


The next thing is education. Now, if you take nothing else at all from me, this tidbit is key!!! Don't miss this. Educate yourself about a style that feels right to you and follow your intuition. If it isn't working for your very unique child, or you, scrap it! Don't let anyone tell you there is only one right way to parent. Even if there is someone who you admire, a real or even a perfect-seeming person, they are not you, they did not have your child. This is not a computer we are dealing with but a person with real feelings and real personality built in. It cannot be and will never be, “If I do it all by the book I will get the perfect outcome.” There are just too many variables in God's creation. If we could know what worked for every single child, there would be no need to google anything. We would all have the manual and all have cookie cutter children. However I believe we all have an inner manual installed while the baby grows. It is called intuition. If we attune ourselves to the inner voice of our intuition, we will know what to listen to, what advice to take, what to leave behind. Which brings me to the next thing I think is crucial.


We can prepare for this transition by getting our tribe around us. Wise women a little further in the journey than you will be an asset you cannot measure. You have heard me harp on this already, if you follow me. If you do not have a church family with someone you can cling to, look for a moms group, a person from your childbirth class, a postpartum doula (I know a good one), and even a Facebook mom group. All these can offer some support so you can keep yourself from being isolated. Look for a few helpers to come alongside you. You will not regret it.


These three elements are key to my mind, to start to prepare for this brand new journey. There are other things that can help but no toy, no app, no gadget or technology can ever replace your intuition or your own special way to comfort and care for your child. You were made for that child and that child was made for you. You have a purpose in their life and they have a purpose in yours. Relax and enjoy your baby, they love you! Try to find your joy in the little moments when they look in your eyes, grasp your finger. To them, you are a superstar and if you are caring for a little one day to day, you are a superstar to me too. ​

Well,  I'm not the greatest content writer, am I? I am learning so much about this blogging thing as I go and it is a challenge for me. Then, I went to the ER with abdominal pain and then shortly after that I got a cold that has lingered for almost 2 weeks. The kind of head-foggy cold that made it so I couldn't write if I tried. But I was reading as much as I could and I hope I can translate some of it here. 
I have been learning about a thing called TBRI (c) and it is fascinating! I have taken to psycho-analyzing my family and friends, its very productive. LOL.  Seriously though, I am learning more and more about how the principals I use in my postpartum care are perfect for helping little minds grow. 
Here is a little taste of what this is about: (don't you love these wipe board art videos!)    youtu.be/FWScSJKjn1A 

Its a short video and a wonderful place to start learning about trust based  relational intervention. I hope you explore more that the Karyn Purvis Institute has graciously made free on youtube. I plan to study more so I can share some of the really good stuff with you. In the meantime, I hope my cold goes away and I am sorry my content has not been very frequent but I think you understand as moms how these days just get away from us. Please keep sticking with me. I love your "company" and that you give some of your precious time to read this blog.  I don't take that for granted.  Praying for you. 

All aboard! Who doesn't sometimes hang out in procrastination station. It is a sketchy place where thieves lurk stealing time and energy from unsuspecting visitors. It smells of laundry and dishes and garbage. I have been hanging out here for a bit too long and I know exactly what is stamped on my ticket.  Expectations. 

Not ones that you, gentle reader, have imposed but expectations of my own making.  Because helping new moms to find joy in motherhood is such a passion of mine and because of my INFJ Meyers-briggs personality type, meaning is tantamount.  I must have meaning. The flip side of this search for meaning is that if it is really, really, really meaningful in my mind, I cannot move forward easily because I am afraid I will mess it up. Someone else can do a much better job, Lord, send them. I think of Moses saying, I am slow of speech. Exodus 4:10 in the Old Testament. It sometimes makes me feel as if everything that surrounds this is an uphill battle because of my thoughts. 

I have had this feeling in my mothering too. I felt a level of confidence in caring for a newborn.  All my childcare and family experience paved the way for that but as the children grew older and started needing guidance I didn't know how to do that. I had grown up thinking that emotions were terrible things you got rid of as fast as possible. So dealing with a toddler melt down, wow! But how God used that to grow me! I was eventually able to see guidance as a way to help the girls be able to feel feelings and then deal with them appropriately and in each girls right timing. It grew my relationship with them and with God. 
So what does this have to do with expectations? We have a certain idea, especially before children, that we will be a certain type of parent or that we have certain skills under our control.  When a different personality comes to bear in your home, you may not get that control you thought you had. Your expectations of how you knew would care for your child may be challenged.  Sometimes the first one is compliant with your expectations but the second child is very different. All the tools you used with the first one may not work at all with the next. 
From birth, your job, with the help of God, is to be a detective. As a baby, nursing may not have come as easily as you expected. Try different holds or latching techniques to see what works. As a toddler, the way you expected to discipline might have the opposite effect. For example, sending one child to his room feels crushing because he thrives on interaction but for another it is a reward because they can play alone. Each stage will bring new things you have to sleuth and you will be challenged daily. What a blessing that God knows us and our children inside and out!
He can help you figure out why you are procrastinating. Are you feeling that someone else would do better with the child so opposite your personality?  Are you suppressing your feelings of inadequacy or overwhelmed by the tasks required? 

True confession time: I have many more ideas for blog posts. I am hoping God will pick someone else for the job of writing them. But I am pushing through today because I don't really want to miss the blessing of walking through this with Him.
 
I want to encourage you, the dividends of caring for your children's needs, emotional, physical, spiritual, will be paid. It may take a while but when, for example, you start to see your young ladies being praised in church for serving, as I have recently, it is beyond joyful. I made so many errors and really did not know how to promote healthy emotions  but I kept learning in love and God is filling in all my gaps. What a wonder too, my ladies see my efforts and feel loved even when I make big mistakes. 
Each mistake is a great opportunity to grow closer.  Drop the negative feelings of expectations and look for the positive moments of growth. I'll keep practicing too. 

​Welcome beautiful Momma! I'm so proud of you for caring for your baby, inside or outside the womb. 
Come sit with me, tell me what is troubling you today about this daunting journey of motherhood.  
I think that most of our troubles as moms come from a very deep lack of support. We have a baby and we isolate ourselves at home to prevent germs and because face it we are freakin' tired.  This is a relatively new way of bringing home a baby. In the past and in other cultures that are not America 2018, the family consisted of extended relations and often your family or your husband's or both lived in very close proximity, maybe even in the same house.  Yikes! 
Now, in some ways we might have it better now, medicine and sanitation have made it the best time to have a healthy baby, but emotionally it maybe the worst for the mom.  Many women can give birth without ever having held a baby before. This can be very stressful when you have no experience and someone places this new life in your arms and expects you to be responsible for it. No matter if you have a baby in this way or through foster or adoption, you now have a new set of challenges ahead of you.  Isolation may feel safe at the moment but in day three when baby won't stop crying and your hormones are trying to figure out what just happened, you are in deep. 
Isolation may be the norm but we need help for this very wild ride called Motherhood
A few years ago I discovered that my family was a key part of the founding of Brooklyn! I discovered that one of the houses that my great (x12 or something) grandfather built was still standing and I was excited to cross the bridge and step back into history.  The Wycoff house looks so funny on a triangle of land in between car dealerships and check cashing places. I stepped into the old stone building and though it was a chilly fall day I felt warm and light. There was a very simple dutch style hearth. 














​ There was no fire in it, it would never meet safety codes today since it is simply on the floor. But suddenly I realized the connection I had with this family from the founding of this country. Motherhood. There were pots and fires and cooking and caring done right here. There was a major difference that I couldn't help thinking about.  She had come from a village to a colony. She had sisters from church and family members who knew how to welcome babies. She had support to become the warm center of the household, just as that hearth was. She wasn't alone to figure out how to care for the children who would eventually lead to my dad and then me. She had people to care for her and answer her questions. 
SO what do we do today,  we have options. Postpartum depression is chemical and hormonal but studies show that mothers with support recover more quickly or can even prevent the symptoms. If the depression does show up, moms with support get help faster and worse scenarios of moms hurting themselves or their babies are prevented. So here are your three ways to help prevent Postpartum Depression:

1. Before birth and after, read and watch ENCOURAGING things from people who parent like you hope to. Writers who tell you to follow your intuition and articles that refrain from complaining about how hard it is, unless they follow up with ways to have joy in motherhood. 
2. Call on your village to help. Most moms no longer have family living with them but you may have some nearby, or a church family, or your good friends who want to see that baby.  Find yourself a group of women who can guide you or even who you don't mind seeing your dirty undies. If you can get some women who will sit with you and fold your laundry while you share what is hard right now, that is your colony, and it is priceless for emotional support. 
3. Trust that you know what is best for your baby.  This might not be right away, you might need guidance and some trial and error but I assure you,babies are really resilient.  There may be 100,000 ways to do a bedtime routine or feeding schedule but you will know when it is right, for you, and your family and your baby. 
You are the warmth at the center. Your baby will know he or she is safe in your arms and heart. 

I am excited to say I am finally ready for a regular blog post.  Blogging has been on the to-do list for a while but Mommy life got in the way. This month I am doing my research so I can bring you some great content on life new babies and other littles. I cannot wait to go deeper with you all. I look forward to a great spring with you.  Look for me to spread my wings as a momma blogger very soon as we relaunch the Tenderhearts blog right here. "stay tuned" 

I was so blessed to be able to talk to a group of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) this week. What a welcoming group of ladies! They had so many questions and I had a few too many answers (time ran out).  What I saw though, was so encouraging! Moms from every background just seeking to be better moms. They wanted to learn and grow and like most of you, just needed someone to say, "this is hard, but you are doing it well. Keep going!"  It is so good to have support. There is such temptation to  doubt yourself  in this challenging thing called Motherhood. So many choices in parenting, all saying they have it right, lead to not being able to choose anything. There is no script.  There is no manual. There is hope. You are the exact Mom for your baby and God made that baby for you.  You will absolutely have stellar days and then again  you won't but your love for that baby will override the worst days. 
The moms of MOPS gave me some real questions to think about and I want to share some of my answers here. 
Here is the first topic of conversation: Journey of Motherhood: 
The question was, what things did God use in your of motherhood to bring you closer to Him?
  I think God made me a nurturing person from a young age. I had 7 younger cousins and a brother, 4 years junior, who all came in quick succession. Basically I was the nursery worker at family functions and I loved it.
  I entered the field of daycare. I was in the infant room of the best quality day cares for all of my twenties. There I got to watch all the mistakes parents were making and all the good things they were doing to nurture their kids. I learned so much from this with an amazing Christian woman to guide me. She was the senior teacher in the room was a strong but kind older woman. A mentor used by God to teach me a lot about life and relationships.  Changes in my late 20's :Salvation, marriage, a move far from my family and a new baby all happened in within 2 years.
   I studied and sought out older women and learned all I could about my upside down life. I felt a little proud that I had so much knowledge about infant care. But I was a baby Christian raising a baby. God showed me many of my own sin and hurts through this time. But he tempered that all with my joy of having my own baby, not someone else's to hold. Because of my strong need to protect my child, a memory surfaced of abuse at 5 years old that was long buried. God put me in a place with a Pastor's wife that had experience with this. It was only by grace because I had to fill out a form to help with the nursery there and I had to hand this paper to the Pastor's wife that asked if there was any history of abuse in my past. So I admitted that I had just had this memory and she offered to talk about it. God used her to heal me of that hurt. 
   Though I had felt I knew so much about childcare and parenting, nothing at all could have prepared me for that memory.  I have learned so much about relationship. From birth each of my children was a mystery to be discovered. There was no script. Each one is so different. Inborn temperaments were so very distinct.  The way that God can take your own sins and struggles and show you them tangibly through your children is astounding. And not often pleasant. Whether it is nature or parroting you are guaranteed to see something in your child that you really don't like about yourself. I'm sure each of you has already seen it.
     The last 4 years God transitioned me so gently from being a stay at home mom to a nanny. He blessed me with positions where I could bring my children along and they have learned a love for children and nurturing that I believe will be part of the legacy God brings them through me.  I am embarking on a new phase of my journey. I recently became certified for a career as a postpartum doula, which as you can see I have been doing my whole working life, but now I have a paper. I am helping new moms to learn to do what my mom did not know how to do. If that isn't the work of God in a life, I don't know what is. He is amazing.

1. Titus 2: 4-5 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
2. Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you  

  The next post will be my help with Potty Training. See you soon. 
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