What is strength?
Do you feel strong? DO you? Are you a tough mother?  On the hard days? Where does your strength come from? I often wondered if I was strong.  I was made to feel very weak at times in my younger days. As a mom of a newborn, I usually felt some confidence due to my many years in the daycare field. As I have mentioned before,  seeing other mom's "mistakes" and having a sage guide in a very smart older mom and co-worker, I learned quickly how I wanted to parent and what resonated with me. That confidence was very surface though and only lasted through my so called expertise with newborns.  As any mom knows that is a very short lived stage. 
One particular time, with my first-born, when she was a toddler, I was able to identify that I had suddenly run out of experience, like you identify a Mac truck after it hits you.  I was attending a Bible study group in a childless home. The hosts were newly married and all the lovely things they had gotten as gifts were on display, all of them breakable and all on end tables which, oddly enough are exactly toddler height! Also, they were pretty and shiny and my girl could not help but be attracted to them. Well, I was not able to study much of anything that night except how to outwit my daughter. I also saw how lacking I was in the ways of an energized toddler. My own strength had given out. 
Strong is "showing up."
But, did you know that a strong mom keeps showing up?  That should be one of the definitions of the word.  An actual definition of the word is "having the power to perform physically demanding tasks"  And "able to withstand great force or pressure."  Ah!  There is where all moms lie (HA! Moms hardly get to lie anywhere for long). Every mom I know is withstanding great pressure.  It comes at us from every side, inside and out . We are pressed, but not crushed.  I find my strength often in Scripture. I also find it in reaching out to those who are in my circle who can lift me up and remind me, this is hard and listen to my struggles and keep on encouraging me to "show up." They help me to get back in there and be a mom to my kids.  Strong is often remembering that your style might not be the same as another mom you are comparing yourself to. It is a super power, in my humble opinion, to go the way you know your kids respond best and not the current parenting direction. 
Strong is smart.
So in that way, strong is also smart. Being a detective, It means studying your children and course correcting your tactics to fit the child. I had one young child who would sit up and pay attention when I got stern, a different daughter took that as a challenge to press harder. I had to learn this and make different decisions based on my new knowledge.  That is strong, that is brave! It is counter-cultural because there are moms who only do what current research says is the right way. They spent pregnancy and each hour of nap time honing a one-size-fits-all parenting method.  It may have even worked for her first child but when the rule breaker comes, she is left fighting tooth and nail for the  title of mom who won out (child who had to conform) or she was left feeling failure (which no mom who loves her child ever is).  The former might have a false sense of strength while the latter feels defeated. The truth is the mom who "shows up" is the strong one. Playing detective is hard! Being a mom who makes mistakes and then apologizes and tries again....really freakin' strong!
What makes you feel strong?
Again, I ask, do you feel strong? Have you been down to the dregs and are still standing? That is crazy strong. Do you know who to message, what to read, what self-care to practice when you are feeling weak and worn and oh! so weary? That is a super power. Take some time today to help identify what makes you feel strong.  Do that thing even when you are not down.  Take that time. If there is a nap during the children's day, do it then. Dishes can wait, email can too. If they are too old to nap, make that bedroom a safe place where they can be and tell them it is one hour of quiet time. My Grammy who was my caregiver while my parents worked had this rule all through the years she took care of us. I suspect it was for her sanity but I know it has helped me as an introvert find my rest. Sometimes she had to vehemently enforce it, but we got the message, loud and clear, no negotiation on "nap time."
Strong is not putting on the mask of "I've got it all together" and telling yourself, once more into the breech.  It is often in the  backing off and seeing the places you need help. Super strength is asking for help in those places. It is vulnerable and awkward but if you can do it you are helping others to feel empowered to do it too. Like I learned from Grammy, I share with my children as I take a quiet break myself.  Be different. I am counting on you to share your gifts with those around you. I am counting on you to be authentic. I am counting on you to be strong in these ways. 

I have writer's block. That's why I have been absent for so long. (and LIFE has been happening) I have a lot to share but it is hard to get it coherently from my mind to the keyboard. I enjoy being in the moment with a mom (does that make it a mom-ment, sorry) and trying to help her problem solve what is right in front of her. It is harder to come up with a cohesive program of teaching or training for a new mom. I am trying to write a class for new moms but I feel it is something you find on-line at any time if you knew what you were looking for. I don't want to come off as a know-it-all or worse, just be another opinion a mom has to wade through. So how do I continue blogging when I am stuck? I guess it is exactly like motherhood. I will have to continue through trial and error and with the confidence I can muster. I will trust that God will use my words to help someone and give grace to cover my shortcomings. I don't know what the long term fruit of it will be, just like motherhood. I will make decision after decision. Really there are very few things that we do that we can predict all the variables and know it will come out how we wish. How much more with something so very open as blogging, and more so as parenting? Being a parent, you may have the illusion that you can control the outcome of parenting but truly the outcome is based on so many factors. I saw this especially in my children's temperament. They were each so different from birth. Even the birth experience was different with each one. I thought going into the birth experience with my second daughter would be the same as my first or better because my body and mind knew what to expect. It was night and day. There was so much that was different, I couldn't begin to list it all. One of the biggest things was that my middle daughter had the cord wrapped around her neck and she quickly was in distress. Something like that, I could neither predict or fix. My youngest had the best birth, laboring at home with a doula and friend and my mom and husband until I felt ready to go to the hospital. It was the easiest even though she was the biggest of the three babies by a over a pound! I had birth plans or ideas of what each of my three girls' births would be like and each time they were different, from each other and from what my idea was. Birthing a blog is similar in that it is different than I expected and has challenges I could never have foreseen. Life doesn't happen in your own timing either. You can plan and then something traumatic happens and you are thrown off your game. Nursing, you think, is natural and will be easy. More and more women are finding this hard. Lack of support and environmental and food source changes are some of the reasons for this. Suddenly, baby is here and breast feeding is a formidable challenge. How do we adjust? We press on, but remember to feel those feelings when you do. Feelings of loss and discouragement are real and do not go away when we push them down. Like a float in a swimming pool, you might be able to hold it under for some time but when you release the effort of holding it under, it will come back up with force. I am learning that the ways I was taught to deal with my emotions was not helpful. I hope you have someone with whom you can share your feelings and be accepted. Maybe if you are not blessed with someone you can talk face to face with, you can find someone online in a mom group who needs support too. Just knowing you are not alone can make a huge difference, especially if you are pregnant or are after birth are still experiencing postpartum hormones. (PS this can take years to regulate and I know some who are changed forever, sorry). But find someone who gets what you are going through and also please be a friend to yourself. I am the best at ripping myself apart, I'm definitely my harshest critic. I am becoming more aware of my self-talk though. Trying to rewrite that inner dialog is tough though.
SO my encouragement for today is, that God can take your parenting and birth story and hormones and self-talk and whatever else you are struggling with and make it for His glory. One more story, I lost my cool one day, my daughter was pushing my buttons over and over. She was talking back and being sassy and I lost it. I took her face in my hand and squeezed her cheeks between my thumb and middle finger squishing those big cheeks into her mouth. She had made me so mad that I wanted her to see what she was doing with her mouth hurt. But I did not think! This did not bring the outcome I wanted. I calmed down and apologized. She accepted and we made up but it can never be as good as if I had calmed down first. Another day, I caught her doing this awful maneuver to her young sister. I was mortified. I never wanted to hurt my daughter and now she was using what she learned from me to hurt her sister. How did God use this sin I had committed against my daughter? He is the master and so full of patience towards me and them. First, I apologized again to my daughters and they saw what repentance really looks like. Then, I was able to see how I could calm myself and make better choices for correction. (it looks more like consequences for actions). I also saw how God corrects us (consequences too, we reap what we sow) and forgives us when we repent from the heart. Mommies, let's press on. We feel the lack, we know we cannot do it in our own strength, so we grow closer to our God by asking His Spirit to help us. He promises to.  

Last time we talked about rest and what that would look like for a mom. There were four elements of Sabbath that my Pastor lined out, they were:
a)worship (which we discussed last time)
b)feasting
c)play
d)resting


I told you in that post that I wanted to go out of order because I thought there was a hierarchy for moms. I still do but I feel that play and resting are equally valuable. So I must pick one to do next and I chose play. I choose that next because it really struck me as we were listening in church,
this is a key that modern moms are missing!



Pastor shared it like this, that we are told that the kingdom of heaven is filled with joy. Therefore, joy on Earth is a picture of eternity. My pastor then reminded us that CS Lewis had his Jesus character Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia, romp for joy after his resurrection scene. Did you lose your joy at the birth of your child? Are you so full of responsibility, as I am at times, that you forget the joy of being the mom of this little person? Does the work feel like drudgery and you forget to smile at your toddler? It happens. It does! But stop a minute. The dirty bottle will wait, (the dirty diaper might not, phew) but the housework definitely will. Smile, tickle, hug, play peekaboo, find something funny. Fake it 'til you make it but please do let down your guard, relax a bit and find the joy. You will! At bath-time, watch as your child marvels at the bubbles or put some on your chin and watch your toddler explode with laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. 

True confession time. I had to stop playing Barbies with the girls, I had to find other things to play. I realized each time I was playing, I couldn't just let the prince climb the tower and get the princess. I had to ask, is this prince a Christian? Will he be saving his kiss for marriage? There was no silliness, no joy, just what I thought was moral teaching. And it was awful. And I was being ridiculous. I was much better at painting or doing a puzzle or other make believe play. I found that that was OK. The girls enjoyed time with me and we found other ways to giggle and romp that did not involve a serious teaching moment each second. Find your happy place with the older children. The best was often a dance party or blanket fort. So fun and easy to do quickly. Go with what makes you both joyful. Luke 11:32 to piggyback on yesterday, says “For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the kingdom.” I can't get my brain around that, but it does. Practicing kingdom rhythms makes God happy. Imagine how He must love it when we are being joyful with one another? That is amazing to think about.

I'm praying that you can leave your work behind a bit and change your mindset.

Besides what I just said about the restorative powers of playfulness, there is tons of research on the mental and emotional, cognitive and developmental benefits of play for children. If you are finding yourself worried about if your child is developing well or if you are easily swayed to the tiger mom camp, where you want everything your child does to give them the edge, I say two things, one, go back to the beginning of this series and see that this is just setting you both up for the culture of exhaustion and two, playing actually is the best thing you can do to foster good development in your child. Time to play. I know it can feel awkward at first. I really do. But if you let your child lead, the smile and light in their eyes will help you have confidence that you are doing the right thing. You will both feel refreshed and restored and Sabbath rested, no matter when it is.
A word about time. If you feel that if you open this door it will never end, you should remember that you are in control. You can say to a child, I need to finish this and then I can play for 20 minutes and then we will move on to quiet time, whatever has to happen. They may be upset at first but they will see that the play time is worth it, though it has to end.

​Maybe play is painful for you. Maybe thinking of childhood is hurtful or someone took advantage of your playfulness and now it is connected to abuse. You are not alone. This is a broken world where that goes on. It is not what God planned for you but He can use that pain to bring healing and closeness to himself. Seek a guide, a christian counselor or therapist or a pastor who can help you through that or talk to a trusted friend. Don't miss out though. I have shared in the past that buried abuse can show up as you interact with your children. Your brain wants to protect your child and can call the trauma to mind. Use the memory to get to the bottom of things. I have and it has caused me to grow. HEAR ME:  I am sorry that happened to you and it is not your fault.


I hope this week you find good ways to restore your soul and may sweet old-fashioned play be awakened in you. It is so good for you and it is huge for the life of your child. God intends for us to have joy. I hope we both can seek it as we practice Sabbath rest. ​

Yes, lovely ladies and awesome gents, I do not only provide a village for others and preach a village for the blog readers but I do in fact have one myself. I am so blessed. 
Are you the type of person, like me, who sees needs and fills them when she is not really thinking of returns? Like, unless I'm feeling bitter or something, I rarely sing< "what have you done for me lately?" (see Janet Jackson from the eighties, you young'uns)  I really do get joy and other positive emotions from just being around for people when I can. I have not given much thought to where my village is at, though I know I have one. 
When I write this blog, though I know I am going to post it on social media, I really don't think of specific people. I feel much safer writing this to "internet mom." That way I don't judge my thoughts too harshly. See if I thought of that-really-awesome-put-together-mom from church or radical-barely-parenting-mom-of-boys from co-op, well I would spend far too much time thinking about how they will take what I am saying.  Yup! that's me! I struggle with people pleasing. 
Ok, rabbit trail has criss-crossed over itself and now back to the tribe I was talking about. I wrote the last post thinking of Internet Mom and not my "inner-net" moms. Yes, I made that up. But seriously, I was not thinking of people I know seeing my post to moms who are struggling to make ends meet and really not imagining them checking to see how I am doing. But my tribe did. I had offers for rides and grocery money and help with my daycare room set up and more and more. My tribe, though not living in my village, rose up to care for me. I was astonished at the gifts from people who I know have also struggled. I especially benefited from the stories of God's grace. This person was paying it forward from a time when she was living with her family in the in-laws house. Another, had rewards from Costco and how things transpired so that she could use it to bless me. The way things lined up for these other moms really showed me how God has not abandoned us but is keenly aware of every little thing we need. 
I saw my tribe and where I also contribute to my tribe in encouraging words and stories. That is worth so much in growing my faith. I am learning through all these situations, how very much our Lord has grown me. It used to be that I would panic if we could not meet bills or eat what we were accustomed to but slowly I think, that is not truth but God will meet all my needs. For my own sake, though I hate to admit it, He usually waits til the very....last......minute! Don't ya just,  argh!  
Yes, I do not just say over and over, "get a tribe." I am living it out.  And how did I get this tribe?  I prayed and asked God and then I got to work, peeking out of my introvert shell and reaching out of it to help someone. I did not do this expecting any return. I didn't say to myself or anyone,"I helped you, now when the time comes, I'm going to need a favor." (No Godfather tactics here). I just did what I could do to be a friend, to listen to a hurting acquaintance, to agree with a new mom who could barely make it to church that this stuff is hard. Proverbs 18:24 says that a person must show himself friendly to make friends. I have seen the dividends and often not from those I have invested the most in.  I have clearly seen my tribe, my people and my sisters. One fellow tribes-mom told me that she read that post and gave me the Katniss salute. That in itself showed me that being real is what God has in mind for this blog, if one  mom hears me and can go on another hour? Mission accomplished. Thanks for being there tribe. Unmanicured, dirty fingernails, Katniss salute to you all.  Back into the fray! 

      I have been really busy. I am getting ready to launch family childcare in my home. I had been praying about this for a while. Then, my family's one and only car died and I thought I will get the playroom (see pic) ready (since I am not going anywhere). I thought, I will build it and see if they come. While it is not a field of dreams it is a dream of mine to spend more time at home while still ministering to other children and families. So I prepared my space with the things I have and some donations from friends. While I have been home though, I have been without income. I have a little side Etsy store, and my husband works intermittently in entertainment, but these do not even begin to cover most of the bills. So while we will not be evicted we are living very tightly right now. I was thinking about this today as I shopped with coupons and the lowest budget ever: I wonder if there are any moms reading this that have found themselves with too much month and not enough money on a frequent basis.
     So you have a newborn or a toddler and the stress that that can bring to daily life, you have your own doubts and insecurities and then you have the added pressure of how you are going to eat or pay car insurance or put gas in the tank. I also noticed, there are very few mom you-tubers who are showing you this side of life. You could look for someone to give you mom advice and end up thinking, she has good thoughts but she really doesn't understand me on her pretty couch with perfectly placed art on the walls. I just want to say,
                                              “I SEE YOU.”
     Many times I wondered, how can I even get to the “household hacks” when I feel like a hack at life. I have been there. I want to tell you that I don't even have a happy ending for you. I really like Brady-Bunch-perfectly-wrapped-up endings with lessons learned and tousling of bowl haircuts. But I am still in it. I have stepped out in faith,changing focus again. Though it is not a change of gears, my purpose is still and probably will always be, God willing, to care for moms and babies. But it seems that God in His goodness and sovereignty has chosen to start me on this new focus. I did not get a sign from the sky, unless being stuck on the side of the road with a dead car is a sign. Possibly so. But I used 2 weeks to turn my storage-y basement into a playroom and then my dining room into an arts and crafts studio. I am trying to make lemonade out of my lemon of a car situation. (see what I did there, lol).
     Are you struggling? What focus have you had to change? Please remember that even though these situations are stressful, it does not make you less. My Christian counselor always encourages me that, “you have nothing to earn and nothing to prove.” You may wonder why God allowed this situation and I really cannot say. I am not God. I DO know, God is not surprised by the situation you are in and He is saddened by your suffering too. He also will not leave you there. He promised to use these things for your good. You cannot tell now what that will be. He also promises to use it for his glory. How in the world God will be glorified in me not having a car for 3 weeks and therefore not being able to babysit in the homes I have been working in? HMMMM, that remains to be seen. But I am trusting. Well, mostly trusting, most minutes, sometimes I am ugly crying and yelling but I am also telling my emotions to trust Him. Emotions are more of a temperature gauge. Like when you touch a hot stove, nerve endings tell you get your hand off that! Emotions tell you, something is wrong here! Emotions are not the truth though (or so I am told). The truth is you might have a burn or you might have moved away in time. You say, "ouch", maybe more than ouch and now you have to deal with the truth. After you feel your emotions you can ask,  "What does this situation tell you about your heart?"
     Lastly, why am I dealing with this on a mom blog? Tough situations make you look to your foundation. Is it strong? If you are busy mentally with finances, housing, food supply, you will have trouble focusing on the children's other needs because these basic needs are so urgent. It's ok because God made them resilient and especially newborns have few needs, wear them so they can feel you close. The hormones given off by touch will also bring YOU some relief. Same if you are nursing, its good for both mom and baby. If you have a toddler, try to take a break and cuddle them on your lap, read a story. If you have an older child, talk to them about what's going on. PS they already know something is stressing you out, might as well tell them. Explain that you are trusting God with this but it is hard to do. You can help them to get it now so they can live it as they deal with things as an adult. I also find that though it is frustrating, my teens are starting to understand how good they have it even if it is different from what friends have, especially because our church is mission minded. The girls are seeing the big picture in a hard place and I think it is drawing them nearer to God. This is what we want. In the moment though, I want to cry because we are having beans and rice again and not take-out or restaurant food that the girls prefer. But I have a new sliding scale after being in Uganda and seeing what they do not have but the joy they do have. We come to realize though, as I have said before, these things we use to compare are not the things we need. As we zoom out, we see that people need, truly NEED, is care and love and support. All of which are free. We can join in the centuries of humans who have lived in hard times and survived. Even we have lived through hard situations and got closer to a God who loves us. There is your strong foundation. Look at the big picture when you can, study the word, especially old testament mothers who show us perseverance because they knew that the current hard time is not the end of the story.
     My very humbling grocery trip today still makes me glad. I have food for us and though it was some of my very last dollars, I know there is provision for those who love Him. He is pleased to give us the kingdom. That He will, if I see it here in this valley or not.




PS: I am currently working on providing in home childcare but I am still available for postpartum work if you are a local reader. After I get my feet on the ground with the childcare I will also be offering online consulting during certain office hours and I will also still be blogging. You cannot get rid of me so easily as that. I may even be Vlogging in the future. So keep coming back. Blessings, Paula

This month has been filled with the ups and downs of busy life. We started the month with a crazy dash to find the money for my  second born daughter for camp. We had planned to have a few more weeks to get that done but found the session we planned on was filled and had to step it up.  God provided through extra work and a family member. We took trip one to the Poconos (3 hours round trip). The second week has been filled with getting the first born daughter working papers, for the same camp that second daughter is a camper at. So trip 3 to the Poconos (the 2nd was camper pickup).  My first born will be working 2 weeks at camp.  They are not consecutive! So I have 4 more trips up there before July is over. Why am I sharing this with young moms?
I wanted you to know that one day, this season of child raising will give way to another and before long they will not have daily needs but the needs might be bigger and different. But the same things basically apply.  You will need to be a detective to feelings.  You will not always get a teen who wants to chat and you will have to ask questions and use intuition to see emotions they might not even realize they are experiencing. You will guide them to use their upper brain processes to move from an animal action to a more rational thinking action. Just like you must do with a toddler, the subject matter just changes.  
My girls get so much joy from camp, just like I did as a girl. Homeschooling makes it easy for us to not be too busy during the school year. We keep activities to the things that the girls really care about and point towards where God seems to be leading them. Camp is a investment that is crucial to these two girls. Just like you, with young children, you will have to see what the child really gets the most joy from and follow. You cannot do everything, even if your perfectionist brain thinks it can.  So please, pick and choose the best things.   
This makes me think of those, get out the door battles at toddler age. Your child likes structure but not at the expense of some downtime. If you have an activity planned at all times, you might be afraid of just existing with your child. I know moms like this. From park to library to nap to snack to gymboree. There is no free play or if there is a planned hour for free play it is only for the best of educational toys. Some days these children never touch the ground. Car seat to highchair to crib. If that child gets frustrated, is there any wonder? She just wants to spend time with you. You are her hero and role model and she wants to just sit with you or climb with you or eat with you. She is wired to copy you if you haven't noticed. This stage is aptly called the Parrot stage because this is what they do, parrot every word and every action.  Monkey see, monkey do. 
My point in all this rambling is that you need to slow down. Busyness is not your friend with an infant or toddler. Slow deliberate calmness is the way. Take time to read a story at the library. I visit lots of libraries, I hardly ever see a mom and child reading there. I see kids on the computer, parents quickly choosing books so they can leave and children playing with toys while mom says, 5 minutes and then drags them out crying. This is not just for them but for you. Stop and examine that bug or leaf with new eyes, young eyes that never saw the lines in a leaf.  Not only will it help you gain new perspective but it can help your stress levels as well. Give up some of those plans and live in the moment. Try it for a little while and see what happens. Love to hear your comments about how this little experiment works for you. 

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